Do Your Fucking Job

I went to a forum yesterday that focused on Life and Relationships. The panel was a group of married women who are the closest of friends, with the intention to provide insight into what married life is really like. Going into the panel, I was quite excited and leaving afterwards, I felt very enlightened. However, I was proven right.

Now when I first heard about the panel, I was curious to hear what was going to be discussed. In my mind, as a Nigerian female born and bred, I expected to hear what I had heard time and time again; having patience with your husband when he cheats, prayer being the way forward and so on and so forth.

Honestly, I was right and wrong at the same time. When the topic of Infidelity came up, rather than a long tirade of prayer being the best answer and my most hated phrase 'men will be men', there was an honest response. One of the lady gave her battle strategy that involved her finding out about infidelity and not saying a word but keeping it for ammunition to fire at him later. It was delicious. When financial issues were brought up, another lady responded strongly that there is nothing wrong with being independent and having separate accounts or at least one account to yourself. Needless to say, I was happily surprised.

Be that as it may, throughout the forum, there was one theme that kept bothering me regarding all the topics that were being brought up; Making Excuses for Shitty Ass Partners.

It started when a girl in the crowd complained that the man she married was quite different from the man she dated and she was confused. He never helped her with the babies if they were crying and such. The solution from the panel was that in simple terms, men don't do that. That you shouldn't let him not helping with the children, stop you from seeing that he's not a good father. It's just a phase in life that you have to go through.

When speaking about infidelity, some thoughts were thrown around as to what if he was feeling excluded? Or lonely? Did he feel neglected? Are we too naggy? You know men don't like women that nag. That's probably what drove him away anyway. 75 per cent of the ladies on the panel believed that all men cheat. So the best thing was to know how to handle it if it occurs.

It came up again with the topic of financial issues in a relationship. Are women working too hard and neglecting their homes in the process? Aren't too many children being taken care of by nannies? Thus discussion followed as to how there should be a work-home balance so that your children know their mother and they don't necessarily go astray. How much free time can you cram in to spend with your kids? Can you ask for some time off at work and so on.

At this point I was baffled. First of all, a lot of people know how I feel about cheating. Now keep it in mind, I am not claiming that a person in the relationship can do no wrong and the other cannot just get fed up. However, for me, if you are fed up and want someone else, then why not leave the marriage and THEN have relations with other people? It's a deal-breaker and Lord knows I will pack my child and leave. I don't know who you've been with and if they have any STDs. In fact, during the discussion, someone said that cheating wasn't a deal breaker but bringing in another child was a no-go. This confused a bunch of us, considering the fact that in order to have a child outside of marriage, one has to cheat no?

Secondly, I was confused as to why we were all having the discussion about children as if we all planned to be single mothers, as if we would not have a partner who had an equal part in making said children. There was so much talk about what compromises women should make in their careers to make the children and their husbands happy, but not one thing was said about what the men could do to make things easier. A lady behind me asked me about whether I understood how hard the men were working. I said I didn't say they weren't working hard but as a parent, did the men not have a duty to their own children? Whether or not you're the president of the company, if you have children, isn't being a parent more important? Simply speaking, who gives a shit?

Also, do the women not work as well? Why do we not hold men to the same standard as we do women? Why do women have to make compromises that seriously affect our lives to make our husbands comfortable, but these actions are not required to be reciprocated? Most of all, why are we women okay with this?

This idea that men get a free pass for simply being men need to stop. I mentioned this in the discussion as well ; Statements like 'all men cheat', 'men don't do this or that' and 'boys will be boys' are nothing more than self fulfilling prophecies that allow men to get away with more than they should. Women have been making excuses for men for so long, that selfish acts such as adultery are expected. Rather than finding a way to stop the problem, we focus on how to carry on and rebuild trust after the fact, rendering the issue of the man who made a vow to never lie to you and to respect you on till death do you part, completely useless and forgettable. Rather than teach boys that if you have enough strength to make a baby, you damn sure have equal responsibility in bringing it up, we teach girls to pat themselves on the back if they can trick their husbands into changing diapers, and even congratulate men on washing dishes, or watching the baby, as though it wasn't their bloody job in the first place.

We expect and celebrate mediocre achievements from boys, while, like the popular saying about racism, the women have to fly to get appreciation that men can just walk to.

To be honest, to all those couples who have children and one spouse doesn't help out enough or even at all with the children, bluntly speaking, what exactly is your use in this family setting? Yes, another income is necessary in this economy, but emotionally and mentally, what are you bringing to the table and why are you so okay with your partner making all these sacrifices in favour of the home you both are jointly in charge of?

I'm just really tired of crappy relationships that strain one person in favour of another person's comfort. It sucks and there is no need for it. If you're going to marry someone, you have no excuse for cheating. Plain and simple. If I plan to be completely faithful to you, I damn sure as hell expect you to be faithful to me. If you don't like it please tell me and then leave. If we have kids, whether as a surprise or planned, you don't get to take the backseat because of your Sex while your partner is flailing around trying to keep shit together. This is a partnership or a group project if you will. Get your shit together, or you can get to steppin'.

Prove Shit to Yourself.

       

        My style has evolved drastically over the years. From Glittery to matte eye shadow and from getting my hair relaxed every two months to deciding to let my natural freak flag fly, I can honestly say that I have plenty of experience in a rapidly changing mindset.

        This past year that I started Uni, I had a massive emotional overhaul. At the beginning of my first year, I was depressed about life, school and people. Everything seemed bleak as hell and there was just this never ending worry about what my life purpose was and whether I even cared enough to figure it out. Simply put, I was tired as heck. However, one day I was reading fan fiction and everything changed. Yes, fan fiction. The story was a drabble by GleefulMusings. Basically, the story was about a character in my kind of situation and then he decides that he's going to make the best of his life, with the help of another characters. He decides to put in the effort to do shit. It was a very simple idea, but one that had a powerful message. I simply had to put myself and my future first.

       To say things began to change quickly is an understatement. I started waking up happy, getting pumped up for classes and speaking to people and in turn I met three amazing girls I'm glad to call my close friends. I built up the courage to start shopping for clothes I wanted to wear and I even cut my hair as it was something I had always wanted to do. I started being unapologetically (not sure if that's a word but BAHHUMBUG) ME. Or so I thought.

      When I came back from school, I was determined not to fall into my old funk: dressing for other people and letting their own opinions stop my happiness or even my ideas. I thought I was doing a good job until yesterday night. I was sitting around the table with a few of my family members and the conversation led to weddings. I vehemently stated that I would pay for mine and my dress because I wanted to have full authority over my day, rather than have my parents pay. My cousin explained, quite truthfully, that the reason that my mom would be so intent on paying for my dress is that she didn't trust my style. I agreed as it was common knowledge.

       Fast forward to this evening, the conversation came back to me and I immediately thought of how I would somehow prove to her that I could dress well. I would show to her that she could trust me to make my own decisions, and then it hit me. I don't HAVE to. I don't HAVE to prove anything to anybody as if to defend my right to have a sense of style that makes me happy. I don't HAVE to overturn all my progress of thinking for myself just so I can gain a respectful nod of acceptance. I don't HAVE to earn the right to have a different opinion.

      When this revelation hit, I am telling you that it was like a splash of cold water had doused me. I have always been the person that dressed for other people. I would curl my hair as best as I could because they didn't like how 'unruly' my natural hair was, I would arrange my outfits in a way that other people would find visually appealing. I never really had a mind of my own. So the fact that i didn't have to do this anymore, that I could focus on what I wanted and what I liked, was mind blowing.

      All this rambling is basically this ; we need to stop making excuses to prevent ourselves from being happy. When you want to accomplish something, you need to do it for yourself and to make yourself proud. If not, you'll be bumbling around trying to appease other people's changing opinions. Worse, you're the only one probably putting in this effort. They are not thinking about what style you think would look better on them and your opinion is not the be all or end all of their lives. So why should theirs be?