My style has evolved drastically over the years. From Glittery to matte eye shadow and from getting my hair relaxed every two months to deciding to let my natural freak flag fly, I can honestly say that I have plenty of experience in a rapidly changing mindset.
This past year that I started Uni, I had a massive emotional overhaul. At the beginning of my first year, I was depressed about life, school and people. Everything seemed bleak as hell and there was just this never ending worry about what my life purpose was and whether I even cared enough to figure it out. Simply put, I was tired as heck. However, one day I was reading fan fiction and everything changed. Yes, fan fiction. The story was a drabble by GleefulMusings. Basically, the story was about a character in my kind of situation and then he decides that he's going to make the best of his life, with the help of another characters. He decides to put in the effort to do shit. It was a very simple idea, but one that had a powerful message. I simply had to put myself and my future first.
To say things began to change quickly is an understatement. I started waking up happy, getting pumped up for classes and speaking to people and in turn I met three amazing girls I'm glad to call my close friends. I built up the courage to start shopping for clothes I wanted to wear and I even cut my hair as it was something I had always wanted to do. I started being unapologetically (not sure if that's a word but BAHHUMBUG) ME. Or so I thought.
When I came back from school, I was determined not to fall into my old funk: dressing for other people and letting their own opinions stop my happiness or even my ideas. I thought I was doing a good job until yesterday night. I was sitting around the table with a few of my family members and the conversation led to weddings. I vehemently stated that I would pay for mine and my dress because I wanted to have full authority over my day, rather than have my parents pay. My cousin explained, quite truthfully, that the reason that my mom would be so intent on paying for my dress is that she didn't trust my style. I agreed as it was common knowledge.
Fast forward to this evening, the conversation came back to me and I immediately thought of how I would somehow prove to her that I could dress well. I would show to her that she could trust me to make my own decisions, and then it hit me. I don't HAVE to. I don't HAVE to prove anything to anybody as if to defend my right to have a sense of style that makes me happy. I don't HAVE to overturn all my progress of thinking for myself just so I can gain a respectful nod of acceptance. I don't HAVE to earn the right to have a different opinion.
When this revelation hit, I am telling you that it was like a splash of cold water had doused me. I have always been the person that dressed for other people. I would curl my hair as best as I could because they didn't like how 'unruly' my natural hair was, I would arrange my outfits in a way that other people would find visually appealing. I never really had a mind of my own. So the fact that i didn't have to do this anymore, that I could focus on what I wanted and what I liked, was mind blowing.
All this rambling is basically this ; we need to stop making excuses to prevent ourselves from being happy. When you want to accomplish something, you need to do it for yourself and to make yourself proud. If not, you'll be bumbling around trying to appease other people's changing opinions. Worse, you're the only one probably putting in this effort. They are not thinking about what style you think would look better on them and your opinion is not the be all or end all of their lives. So why should theirs be?
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