I went to a forum yesterday that focused on Life and Relationships. The panel was a group of married women who are the closest of friends, with the intention to provide insight into what married life is really like. Going into the panel, I was quite excited and leaving afterwards, I felt very enlightened. However, I was proven right.
Now when I first heard about the panel, I was curious to hear what was going to be discussed. In my mind, as a Nigerian female born and bred, I expected to hear what I had heard time and time again; having patience with your husband when he cheats, prayer being the way forward and so on and so forth.
Honestly, I was right and wrong at the same time. When the topic of Infidelity came up, rather than a long tirade of prayer being the best answer and my most hated phrase 'men will be men', there was an honest response. One of the lady gave her battle strategy that involved her finding out about infidelity and not saying a word but keeping it for ammunition to fire at him later. It was delicious. When financial issues were brought up, another lady responded strongly that there is nothing wrong with being independent and having separate accounts or at least one account to yourself. Needless to say, I was happily surprised.
Be that as it may, throughout the forum, there was one theme that kept bothering me regarding all the topics that were being brought up; Making Excuses for Shitty Ass Partners.
It started when a girl in the crowd complained that the man she married was quite different from the man she dated and she was confused. He never helped her with the babies if they were crying and such. The solution from the panel was that in simple terms, men don't do that. That you shouldn't let him not helping with the children, stop you from seeing that he's not a good father. It's just a phase in life that you have to go through.
When speaking about infidelity, some thoughts were thrown around as to what if he was feeling excluded? Or lonely? Did he feel neglected? Are we too naggy? You know men don't like women that nag. That's probably what drove him away anyway. 75 per cent of the ladies on the panel believed that all men cheat. So the best thing was to know how to handle it if it occurs.
It came up again with the topic of financial issues in a relationship. Are women working too hard and neglecting their homes in the process? Aren't too many children being taken care of by nannies? Thus discussion followed as to how there should be a work-home balance so that your children know their mother and they don't necessarily go astray. How much free time can you cram in to spend with your kids? Can you ask for some time off at work and so on.
At this point I was baffled. First of all, a lot of people know how I feel about cheating. Now keep it in mind, I am not claiming that a person in the relationship can do no wrong and the other cannot just get fed up. However, for me, if you are fed up and want someone else, then why not leave the marriage and THEN have relations with other people? It's a deal-breaker and Lord knows I will pack my child and leave. I don't know who you've been with and if they have any STDs. In fact, during the discussion, someone said that cheating wasn't a deal breaker but bringing in another child was a no-go. This confused a bunch of us, considering the fact that in order to have a child outside of marriage, one has to cheat no?
Secondly, I was confused as to why we were all having the discussion about children as if we all planned to be single mothers, as if we would not have a partner who had an equal part in making said children. There was so much talk about what compromises women should make in their careers to make the children and their husbands happy, but not one thing was said about what the men could do to make things easier. A lady behind me asked me about whether I understood how hard the men were working. I said I didn't say they weren't working hard but as a parent, did the men not have a duty to their own children? Whether or not you're the president of the company, if you have children, isn't being a parent more important? Simply speaking, who gives a shit?
Also, do the women not work as well? Why do we not hold men to the same standard as we do women? Why do women have to make compromises that seriously affect our lives to make our husbands comfortable, but these actions are not required to be reciprocated? Most of all, why are we women okay with this?
This idea that men get a free pass for simply being men need to stop. I mentioned this in the discussion as well ; Statements like 'all men cheat', 'men don't do this or that' and 'boys will be boys' are nothing more than self fulfilling prophecies that allow men to get away with more than they should. Women have been making excuses for men for so long, that selfish acts such as adultery are expected. Rather than finding a way to stop the problem, we focus on how to carry on and rebuild trust after the fact, rendering the issue of the man who made a vow to never lie to you and to respect you on till death do you part, completely useless and forgettable. Rather than teach boys that if you have enough strength to make a baby, you damn sure have equal responsibility in bringing it up, we teach girls to pat themselves on the back if they can trick their husbands into changing diapers, and even congratulate men on washing dishes, or watching the baby, as though it wasn't their bloody job in the first place.
We expect and celebrate mediocre achievements from boys, while, like the popular saying about racism, the women have to fly to get appreciation that men can just walk to.
To be honest, to all those couples who have children and one spouse doesn't help out enough or even at all with the children, bluntly speaking, what exactly is your use in this family setting? Yes, another income is necessary in this economy, but emotionally and mentally, what are you bringing to the table and why are you so okay with your partner making all these sacrifices in favour of the home you both are jointly in charge of?
I'm just really tired of crappy relationships that strain one person in favour of another person's comfort. It sucks and there is no need for it. If you're going to marry someone, you have no excuse for cheating. Plain and simple. If I plan to be completely faithful to you, I damn sure as hell expect you to be faithful to me. If you don't like it please tell me and then leave. If we have kids, whether as a surprise or planned, you don't get to take the backseat because of your Sex while your partner is flailing around trying to keep shit together. This is a partnership or a group project if you will. Get your shit together, or you can get to steppin'.
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