It's one of those nights. Everything seems to suck so hard and there's this feeling of inadequacy that you can't really seem to shake. I've scoured the internet for quizzes and tests and motivational speeches to basically tell me what I already know; I'm depressed, have low self esteem, and have dangerously high levels of anxiety. I already know this though.
So why am I still searching for a test or an article or a blog to tell me what I already know? Maybe it's the loneliness and my way of reaching out to someone without having to actually say anything. I've become so withdrawn from the idea of opening up to actual people, that the only way I allow myself to accept that I have mental problems are through test creators.
It's kind of sad really. I have friends that I can talk to. Rather I have sisters. They know who they are. I have some family members that I trust. However, the thought of bearing my mind, exposing my thoughts and feelings, scares the living daylights, shit and bejeebies (not a word but roll with it) out of me. I'm better at hearing other people's problems because in the back of my mind, I believe that their problems will always be more important than mine, and for even THINKING that my problems are actually problems, I shut down on my own self and my emotions. I am not as important as they are. This is especially funny (hypocritical) considering I'm always the first person to say to other that problems are not a competition of who was it worse; you have a right to have problems that might not be as bad as the next person. Go figure that I can't take my own advice.
I know it needs to stop, but I've felt this way for years. Rather, I've known it for months and have pushed it down for years. Saying this feeling is hard to shake is laughable. It feels impossible.
I just need to start trying. I really do.
No comments:
Post a Comment